Case Study
Part 3
Gently Restore
| How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution to this conflict?
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Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.
Janet waited patiently for all of Larry’s students to file through the door. When she saw that he was finished with his work and placing papers into his briefcase, she walked casually into his classroom.
Giving him a friendly smile, she asked, “Larry, do you have a few minutes to talk?”
Larry looked up, his eyes filled with suspicion. “I’m pretty busy right now. What do you want to talk about?”
“I’d like to ask your forgiveness for the way I spoke to you last week and talk about how we are relating to each other, but if this isn’t a convenient time, I could come back later.”
His surprised look showed that this was not what he was expecting to hear from Janet. “No, that’s OK. I’ve got a few minutes.”
“Thanks. Well, like I said, I need to ask your forgiveness for what I said in the teachers’ lounge last Wednesday. When you joked about me in front of Steve and Joyce, I lost my temper and lashed back at you. I was wrong, and I’m sure I embarrassed you. Would you please forgive me?”
Taken off guard by her transparency, all he could think to say was, “That’s OK. I know I can be sort of abrasive at times. Just forget about it.”
“Forgetting can take a long time. I’d appreciate it if you would say you forgive me.”
“Sure, whatever. I forgive you. Let’s just drop it.”
Janet had been planning this conversation for days with the help of a trained reconciler in her church. They had anticipated that Larry might try to brush their differences aside, so they had role-played how to keep the conversation going. Janet now put that planning into practice.
“Since I blew up at you in front of Steve and Joyce, I want you to know that I plan to go to them and admit I was wrong. Is there anything else I can do to make this right with you? Anything else I’ve done to offend you?”
“No,” he responded, “not that I can think of.”
“Maybe you can help me understand something. If I haven’t done anything else to offend you, why do you say sarcastic things about me in front of others?”
“Hey, I’m just kidding around. Can’t you take a joke?”
“Maybe you don’t mean to hurt me, but it doesn’t feel like a joke, Larry. It’s embarrassing to be made fun of in front of the people I work with every day. I don’t think they find it funny either. And I don’t think I’m the only person who’s staying clear of the teachers’ lounge just to avoid your jokes.”
“Oh, so now I’m the big bad wolf,” he responded sarcastically. “And all the little pigs need to run home to hide!”
“That’s just what I mean, Larry. You seem to have a habit of calling people names and tearing them down. It’s not a good example for our students. And I’m sorry to say that I’ve overheard some of the staff mocking your faith behind your back. Do you know what they’re saying?”
Larry didn’t actually want to know, but he felt compelled to say, “What?”
“They’re calling you a hypocrite, Larry. They can’t understand how you can claim to be a Christian and yet speak so critically all the time.”
Larry cringed at Janet’s words, and he began looking for a way to end the conversation. Before he could speak, however, Janet spoke gently.
“I don’t think you mean to do it. I believe you want to have a positive witness, but it seems like you’re stuck in the habit of saying hurtful things to people. I’ve struggled with the same problem, Larry. I’ve hurt so many people with my words. Just ask my family! But God is so forgiving. He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve. And he wants to free us from our hurtful habits. He doesn’t want you and me fighting with each other. He would be so pleased if we forgave each other and worked together to improve our relationship and our witness around here.”
Larry had never been approached like this in his life. The truth in Janet’s words stung, but her tone of voice and her reminder of God’s forgiveness held out a glimmer of hope. He slumped in his chair and sighed with weariness and regret.
“I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” he said. “I’ve torn you apart all year, just like everyone else. I’ve always used sarcasm when I don’t know how to relate to people. I go home night after night knowing I blew it, but I just can’t seem to change. Is there really hope for a jerk like me?”
“Of course there is!” Janet replied as she pulled up a chair across from Larry’s desk. “If God can help me get control of my tongue, he can help anyone. Let’s pray right now and ask him to show us how we can turn our past differences into an opportunity to demonstrate his power in our lives.”
Talking to other people about a conflict is usually an unpleasant experience. We often let tensions build to the exploding point and then confront people with a list of their wrongs. They become defensive and react with a list of our wrongs, which leads to a painful battle of words. Those who are more verbally skilled may win a few arguments this way, but in the process they lose many important relationships.
The gospel opens the door for an entirely different approach to talking to others about their role in a conflict. Remembering God’s mercy toward us, we can approach others in a spirit of love rather than condemnation. And instead of using guilt and shame to force others to change themselves, we can breathe grace by holding out to them the wonderful news that God wants to free them from sin and help them grow to be like his Son.
There are many helpful communication skills we can learn as well; these enable us to listen more carefully and speak more clearly and graciously. Godly communication usually leads to better understanding and agreement. As your words are seasoned with wisdom and grace, talking to others about their wrongs can become an avenue for strengthening relationships, serving other people, and bringing praise to God.
Just between the Two of You
If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
Conflict presents unique opportunities to serve other people. When others are weighed down with problems and stress, God will sometimes use us to encourage them and help carry their burdens. In other situations, we may be able to give helpful advice, provide a positive example, or suggest creative solutions to problems. Best of all, conflict can provide the opportunity to demonstrate the love of Christ and give witness to the gospel, even to people who are attacking us.
One of the most challenging ways to serve others in the midst of conflict is to help them see where they have been wrong and need to change. Although many offenses can and should be overlooked, some problems are so harmful that they must be discussed. In this chapter we will explore some basic guidelines on when and how you should go and talk privately to another person about his or her contribution to a conflict.
Restoring Means More than Confronting
When Christians think about talking to someone else about a conflict, one of the first verses that comes to mind is Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.” If this verse is read in isolation, it seems to teach that we must always use direct confrontation to force others to admit they have sinned. If the verse is read in context, however, we see that Jesus had something much more flexible and beneficial in mind than simply standing toe to toe with others and describing their sins.
Just before this passage, we find Jesus’ wonderful metaphor of a loving shepherd who goes to look for a wandering sheep and then rejoices when it is found (Matt. 18:12–14). Thus, Matthew 18:15 is introduced with a theme of restoration, not condemnation. Jesus repeats this theme just after telling us to “go and show him his fault” by adding, “If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” And then he hits the restoration theme a third time in verses 21–35, where he uses the parable of the unmerciful servant to remind us to be as merciful and forgiving to others as God is to us (Matt. 18:21–35).
Jesus is clearly calling for something much more loving and redemptive than simply confronting others with a list of their wrongs. He wants us to remember and imitate his shepherd love for us—to seek after others to help them turn from sin and be restored to God and those they have offended. This restoration theme is echoed throughout Scripture, as we are urged to “help,” “restore,” “save,” and “forgive” those who are caught in sin (see 1 Thess. 5:14; Gal. 6:1; James 5:20).
Although this restoration process may sometimes require direct confrontation, the Bible teaches that there are often better ways to approach people regarding their wrongs. In fact, Scripture rarely uses words we would translate as “confront” to describe the process of talking to others about their faults. Instead, it calls us to use a wide spectrum of activities to minister to others, including confessing, teaching, instructing, reasoning with, showing, encouraging, correcting, warning, admonishing, or rebuking (Matt. 5:23–24; Luke 17:3; Acts 17:17; 1 Thess. 5:14; 2 Tim. 2:24; 4:2). God wants us to adjust the intensity of our communication to fit the other person’s position and the urgency of the situation (1 Tim. 5:1; Titus 1:13). We are also warned not to let disagreements with others degenerate into quarreling, arguing, or foolish controversies (Phil. 2:14; 2 Tim. 2:23–24; Titus 3:9). Clearly, there is more to restoring others than simply confronting them with their wrongs. Therefore, if we want to be effective as peacemakers, we need to ask God to help us be discerning and flexible so that we can use whatever approach will be most effective in a given situation.
We should also note that Scripture provides numerous favorable examples of approaching others indirectly instead of bluntly describing their wrongs. Jesus did not directly confront the Samaritan woman at the well about living in adultery. Instead, he approached the issue indirectly by using questions and discussion that engaged her in the process of thinking about and assessing her own life (John 4:1–18). Jesus frequently used parables and stories as roundabout ways to help people see their sins (see, e.g., Matt. 21:33–45; Luke 15). The apostle Paul could be similarly indirect. Instead of hitting the Athenians head-on with their idolatry, he first engaged them on a point of common interest and moved gradually into the good news of the one true God (Acts 17:22–31). Esther may have the record for the indirect approach, taking two days and two banquets to get to the point of telling the king about the injustice of his decree to kill all of the Jews (Esther 5–7).
As these and many similar passages indicate, we need to let go of the idea that showing someone his fault always requires direct confrontation. Although that approach will be appropriate in some situations, we should never do it automatically. Instead, we should ask God to help us discern the most winsome and effective way to approach a particular person at a particular time and to open the way for genuine reconciliation. (In the next chapter we will look more closely at how to approach people indirectly using stories and metaphors.)
Sooner or Later, Face-to-Face
Matthew 18:15–20 is understood by some people to require that we must always talk personally and privately with someone who has offended us before we can ask others to get involved in the situation. The Bible clearly commends face-to-face meetings as an important step in reconciling people, but it does not teach that this is the only way to begin a reconciliation process. In fact, it is sometimes better to involve other people in resolving a conflict before trying to meet personally with someone who has wronged you. These people may act as neutral intermediaries who shuttle between you and the other person or as representatives who initially speak for you in joint meetings.
For example, before Jacob met his brother Esau in person he sent servants and gifts on ahead to set the stage for a friendly encounter (Genesis 32–33). When Joseph’s brothers feared that he would finally take revenge on them for their sins against him, they sent someone to speak on their behalf to appeal to Joseph for mercy (Gen. 50:15–16). Abigail intervened between her husband and an enraged David and was highly commended for her initiative and wisdom (1 Sam. 25:18–35). When David was estranged from his son Absalom, Joab enlisted a Jewish woman to approach the king to soften his heart toward his son (2 Sam. 14:1–23). Similarly, when the apostles would not meet with Paul after his conversion, Barnabas intervened to speak on Paul’s behalf and appeal for reconciliation (Acts 9:26–27).
As these stories indicate, there are many biblically legitimate ways to approach someone with whom we have a conflict. Personal conversations are often best, but in some cases involving other people right away will be even better. There are several situations in which this may be true today:
When you are dealing with a person who comes from a culture or tradition in which it is customary to resolve problems through intermediaries such as family representatives or trusted leaders
When going to someone personally and privately is likely to make them lose face in the sight of others
When either of the parties might feel intimidated by the other person, perhaps because of a difference in verbal skills or differing positions of authority or influence
When one person was abused by the other and there is a possibility that the abuser will use a private conversation to manipulate or silence the person who has been abused
When there is a third party who has a much closer relationship than you do with the person who may be caught in sin, and that third party is willing to raise the issue with the offender
Whatever the situation might be, we should always show respect for the concerns, traditions, limitations, and special needs of others and ask God to show us how to communicate with them in the way that is most appropriate and helpful to them (Phil. 2:3–4).
However, whether we begin with a private meeting or work through intermediaries, we must not let personal preferences or cultural traditions divert us from seeking genuine reconciliation, which requires a sincere expression and confirmation of confession and forgiveness. Although in unusual situations this might conceivably take place without a personal meeting between the parties (e.g., cases of child abuse), the Bible teaches that a face-to-face meeting is usually essential to genuine reconciliation. This principle is presented in three ways in the Bible.
First, many of the passages related to restoring relationships clearly contemplate a direct conversation between the conflicting parties (see Matt. 5:23–24; 18:15; Luke 17:3). Second, Scripture provides many examples of marvelous reconciliation that came about after personal meetings between people who had wronged each other, including Jacob and Esau (Gen. 33:6–12), Joseph and his brothers (45:1–5; 50:15–21), and Paul and the apostles (Acts 9:27–28). Third, the Bible also gives examples of disastrous results when the involvement of intermediaries allowed the parties to delay or avoid personal meetings involving genuine confession and forgiveness.
Perhaps the most tragic illustration of a failed reconciliation is that of David and Absalom. After Absalom killed his own brother, Joab was able to negotiate a pardon from the king that allowed Absalom to return to Jerusalem. But then Joab made a fatal mistake. When David said, “[Absalom] must go to his own house; he must not see my face” (2 Sam. 14:24), Joab failed to urge the king to see his son and be reconciled to him immediately. This prolonged estrangement embittered Absalom toward his father (14:28–32) and eventually led to a rebellion that resulted in thousands of deaths (2 Samuel 15–18). A similar tragedy unfolds in Genesis 34 when Shechem’s father mediates a superficial agreement but fails to urge Shechem to confess his wrongs personally to Dinah, Jacob, and Jacob’s sons. Jacob’s sons fail to forgive Shechem and later slaughter his entire city.
These stories illustrate a key element of God’s design for human relationships. God does not intend for people to relate to one another at a distance or through other people. Genuine relationship involves personal communication. As Exodus 33:11 says, “The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend” (see also 2 John 12). If this is the ideal for a true friendship, it is also the ideal for a relationship that has been broken by conflict and needs to be restored. Although other people can sometimes help get the restoration process started, its ultimate goal should usually be a personal, face-to-face meeting between those who have been estranged, so they can express and confirm repentance, confession, and forgiveness and experience together the grace and reconciliation of God.
If Someone Has Something against You
If you learn that someone has something against you, God wants you to take the initiative in seeking peace—even if you do not believe you have done anything wrong. If you believe that another person’s complaints against you are unfounded or that the misunderstanding is entirely the other person’s fault, you may naturally conclude that you have no responsibility to take the initiative in restoring peace. This is a common conclusion, but it is false, for it is contrary to Jesus’ specific teaching in Matthew 5:23–24: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” Note that this command is not limited to situations where the other person has something justifiable against you. Jesus said to be reconciled if your brother has something against you, implying that the obligation exists whether or not you believe his complaint is legitimate.
There are several reasons why you should initiate reconciliation even if you do not believe you are at fault. Most importantly, Jesus commands you to go. Also, as I explained previously, peace and unity among believers significantly affects how others will receive the gospel. Seeking peace with an alienated brother enhances your Christian witness, especially if he is the one who has done the wrong (Luke 6:32–36).
In addition, you can have greater peace of mind if you have honestly faced any complaints someone might have against you. Only by carefully listening to others can you discover sins of which you were not aware or help others realize that their complaints are unfounded. Either way, you will gain a clear conscience, which is an essential ingredient of internal peace and a close relationship with God.
Finally, you should initiate reconciliation out of love for your brother and concern for his well-being. Just before Jesus’ command to seek reconciliation, he warned of the danger of unresolved anger: “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.… anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell” (Matt. 5:21–22).
Bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness are serious sins in God’s eyes. If your brother indulges in these feelings, they will separate him from God and expose him to judgment (Eph. 4:30–31; cf. Isa. 59:1–2). In addition, these sinful feelings can eat away at your brother’s heart like an acid and leave him spiritually, emotionally, and physically scarred (Ps. 32:1–5; 73:21–22; Prov. 14:30). This damage can occur even if someone is mistaken in believing you have done something wrong. Therefore, you should go to the person out of love and do everything within your power to resolve the matter. This may require either confessing your own wrongs or helping the other person realize there is no basis for the complaint. Although you cannot force someone to change his or her mind about you, you can make every effort to “live at peace” by clearing up misunderstandings and removing obstacles to reconciliation (Rom. 12:18; cf. 14:13–19). This may require repeated attempts and great patience, but the benefit to both of you makes it well worth the effort.
I recall one Sunday when I visited a small ranching community and preached a message on Matthew 5:21–24. After church a friend took me out to lunch. Part way through our meal, a man I had seen in church that morning walked into the restaurant. Seeing me, he came over to our table, smiling with delight.
“I have to tell you what just happened!” he said. “Your sermon really shook me up, because I’ve got a neighbor who hasn’t talked to me for two years. We had an argument about where to run a fence. When I wouldn’t move it to where he thought it should be, he just turned his back on me and stomped away. Since I thought I was in the right, I’ve always figured it was up to him to make the first move at being friends again. This morning I saw that the Lord wants me to be the one to seek reconciliation, so right after church I drove over to his house to talk with him. I told him I was sorry for being so stubborn two years ago and that I wanted to be friends again. He just about fell over. He said he felt bad all along for stomping away that day, but he didn’t know how to come talk with me. Man, was he glad I came to talk with him!”
When Someone’s Sins Are Too Serious to Overlook
God also calls you to go and talk to someone about a conflict if that person’s sins are too serious to overlook. This is why Jesus said, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3). It is sometimes difficult to decide whether another person’s sin is so serious that you need to go and talk about it. Below are a few of the situations that may warrant this kind of attention.
As discussed earlier, there may be some situations in which it is best to work initially through intermediaries who have a closer relationship with the other person. It is generally best to keep these kinds of discussions as private as possible, however, so the other person is spared embarrassment. Therefore, in the following discussion, I will focus primarily on the situation where you are in a position to approach the other individual personally and privately.
Is It Dishonoring God?
Sin is too serious to overlook if it is likely to bring significant dishonor to God (see, e.g., Matt. 21:12–13; Rom. 2:23–24). If someone who professes to be a Christian is behaving in such a way that others are likely to think less of God, of his church, or of his Word, it may be necessary to talk with that person and urge him to change his behavior. This doesn’t mean that we should call attention to every minor offense, for God himself is patient and forbearing with much of what we do wrong. But when someone’s sin becomes visible enough to obviously and significantly affect a Christian’s witness, it needs to be addressed.
Is It Damaging Your Relationship?
You should also go and talk about offenses that are damaging your relationship with another person. If you are unable to forgive an offense—that is, if your feelings, thoughts, words, or actions toward another person have been altered for more than a short period of time—the offense is probably too serious to overlook. Even minor wrongdoing can damage a relationship if it is repeated. Although something minor may be easily forgiven the first few times, frustration and resentment can eventually build up. When this happens, it may be necessary to bring the matter to the other person’s attention so that the offensive pattern can be changed.
Is It Hurting Others?
An offense or disagreement is also too serious to overlook when it results in significant harm to you or others. This can happen in various ways. The offender may be hurting or imperiling others in a direct way (e.g., child abuse or drunk driving). The person may also be setting an example that will encourage other Christians to behave in a similar manner. Knowing that “a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough,” Paul commands Christians to address serious and open sin quickly and firmly to save other believers from being led astray (1 Cor. 5:1–13; cf. 2 Tim. 4:2–4; Prov. 10:17). An offense can also adversely affect others if it is made public and other Christians take sides. When the peace and unity of the church are threatened in this way, the underlying problem needs to be addressed before it causes serious division (Titus 3:10).
Is It Hurting the Offender?
Finally, sin needs to be addressed when it is seriously harming the offender, either by direct damage (e.g., alcohol abuse) or by impairing his or her relationship with God or other people. Looking out for the well-being of other Christians, especially those in your own family or congregation, is a serious responsibility. Unfortunately, because many Christians have adopted the world’s view that everyone should be allowed to “do his own thing,” some believers will do nothing, even when they see a brother or sister ensnared in serious sin. This is not the kind of love Jesus demonstrated, nor is it consistent with the clear teaching of Scripture:
“Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt” (Lev. 19:17).
“Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, ‘But we knew nothing about this,’ does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?” (Prov. 24:11–12).
“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Prov. 27:5–6; cf. 9:8; 19:25; 28:23).
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over” (Matt. 18:15).
“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted” (Gal. 6:1).
“My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins” (James 5:19–20).
Although these verses endorse constructive confrontation, they are not a license to be a busybody. The Bible repeatedly warns us not to be eagerly looking for opportunities to point out the faults of others (e.g., 2 Thess. 3:11; 1 Tim. 5:13; 2 Tim. 2:23; 1 Peter 4:15). In fact, anyone who is eager to go and show a brother his sin is probably disqualified from doing so. Such eagerness is often a sign of pride and spiritual immaturity, which cripple our ability to minister effectively to others (Gal. 5:22–6:2). The best confronters are usually people who would prefer not to have to talk to others about their sin but will do so out of obedience to God and love for others.
At the other extreme are those who are reluctant to talk about sin under any circumstances. They often point to Matthew 7:1—“Do not judge, or you too will be judged”—and say that the Bible forbids us to pass judgment on how others live. However, when studied in the light of the verses quoted above, which specifically tell us to evaluate and talk to others about their behavior, Matthew 7:1–5 cannot be interpreted as forbidding personal correction. Instead, the passage explains when and how correction should occur. Jesus is saying that if you follow his instructions properly, “you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:5). This unquestionably implies his approval of appropriate correction.
Some people refuse to talk to others about sin or conflict because of another passage: “Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matt. 5:39). This passage does not forbid personal correction. Rather, it forbids people to take the law into their own hands and to seek vengeance against those who wrong them. This verse teaches that Christians should be willing to endure personal injury without retaliation when that injury comes as a direct result of their Christian witness (cf. 1 Peter 1:6–7; 2:12–3:18; 4:12–19). In the normal disagreements of daily living, however, Christians have the responsibility to address serious sin, especially when it is found in a fellow believer.
Others avoid correcting others by saying, “Who am I to tell someone else what to do?” While it is true that we have no right to force our personal opinions on other people, we do have a responsibility to encourage fellow believers to be faithful to God’s truths, which are presented in Scripture. Thus, if you believe that the Bible contains authoritative instruction from God, and if you have a genuine love for God and for your brother, you will not shirk your responsibility to talk with that brother in appropriate ways to help him live in line with God’s standards (e.g., Rom. 15:14; Col. 3:16; 2 Tim. 2:24–26).
Another way to avoid going to others is to say, “Isn’t it God’s job to show people where they are wrong?” It is true that God is the only one who can convict people of sin and change their hearts, which he does through the power of the Holy Spirit. But God often uses another person to speak the words that a sinner needs to hear to see the need to repent (e.g., 2 Sam. 12:1–13; 2 Tim. 2:24–26). We cannot change people on our own, but through loving correction we can be used by God to help people see where they have a problem with sin.
A Christian’s responsibility to help others deal with serious sins can be understood more clearly by studying two particular words used in Galatians 6:1. In this passage Paul told the Galatians to restore a brother who is “caught in a sin.” The Greek word that is translated as “caught” (prolambano) means to be overtaken or surprised. Thus, the brother who needs our help is one who has been ensnared when he was off guard. He is like a fisherman who wasn’t paying attention and got entangled in his net as it was going overboard, and now he is hanging desperately to the side of the boat, in danger of being drowned. Both the fisherman and the man caught in sin have the same need—their problems have become so serious that they may not be able to save themselves. They need someone else to step in and sever the cords that entangle them. Just as you would not stand by and watch a fisherman drown while tangled in his net, neither should you stand by and watch another Christian be destroyed by his sin.
It also helps to understand what Paul told the Galatians to do with a brother caught in sin. Instead of ignoring him or throwing him out, the Galatians were instructed to “restore him gently.” The word translated as “restore” (katartizo) means to mend, repair, equip, complete, or prepare. This word is used several times in the New Testament—to describe fishermen mending and preparing their nets (Matt. 4:21), to describe Paul’s supplying what is lacking in the Thessalonians’ faith (1 Thess. 3:10), to describe Jesus’ equipping believers with everything good for doing his will (Heb. 13:21) and God’s restoring those who have suffered and making them “strong, firm and steadfast” (1 Peter 5:10). Each of these activities has the goal of making something or someone useful for its intended purpose. For example, just as nets are designed to serve people in a specific way, we are designed to serve God in a specific way. Thus, we can see that the goal of katartizo, as used in Galatians 6:1, is to mend broken people and restore them to usefulness in God’s kingdom.
Understanding these two words will help you decide whether an offense is too serious to be overlooked. First, keep the picture of being “caught” in mind. If a sin does not appear to be doing serious harm to a brother or damaging his relationships, it may be best simply to pray that God will show him his need for change. On the other hand, if the sin appears to be dragging your friend under, do not delay in going to him. Second, remember the katartizo principle. Has that person’s sin significantly hurt his spiritual health and reduced his usefulness to God (as a large hole would decrease the usefulness of a fishing net)? If so, there may be a need for “mending,” which might be accomplished through a gracious conversation. For a look at how this can happen, read once more the story that preceded this chapter.
Special Considerations
Having laid down some basic guidelines on when it is appropriate to go and show others their faults, it may be helpful to look at a few situations or concerns that require special consideration.
Going to Non-Christians
The Bible teaches we should be concerned about the well-being of others regardless of whether they are Christians or non Christians (Luke 10:25–37; Gal. 6:10). We are also commanded to “live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18). Therefore, most of the principles given above apply to conflicts with non-Christians. Of course, you should modify your approach somewhat, being sensitive to their perspectives and needs. Instead of referring to specific Bible verses, you may appeal to commonly held interests or values, such as preserving a marriage or maintaining a good reputation. (There will be more on this in chapter 11.) Even so, most of the principles described throughout this book will be applicable to resolving a conflict with a non-Christian. And in some cases, God will use your faithful efforts at peacemaking to help the other person come to faith in Christ.
Going to a Person in Authority
Your responsibility to go to someone who is caught in sin does not vanish just because that person is in a position of authority over you (e.g., an employer or a church elder). Since these people are as human as you are, they will also sin and need correction (see 1 Tim. 5:19–20). Of course, you may need to exercise special care in choosing your words when you talk with such a person. Speak in a respectful manner, and do all you can to affirm your regard for that person’s authority (see, e.g., Dan. 1:11–14). In doing so, you may not only encourage needed changes, but also increase that person’s respect for you (cf. 1 Sam. 25:23–35).
Dealing with Abuse
One of the most difficult offenses to address is one that involves an abuse of power or authority, such as physical or sexual abuse. In rare situations, a victim of abuse may have gained sufficient strength to go and talk directly to his or her abuser. In most situations, however, it is not wise or constructive for a victim to talk privately with the abuser. Many abusers are very adept at manipulation and intimidation, and they will use the conversation as an opportunity for further abuse. Therefore, it is usually best to involve others in the confrontation process.
If the abuser is a Christian, his church has a responsibility to confront his sin, promote genuine repentance and confession, support counseling, and require him to submit to necessary legal consequences. This involvement can and should be carried out in cooperation with actions that civil authorities must take to deal with the abuse.
At the same time, the church should be ministering lovingly and diligently to the victim of abuse. This calls for compassion and understanding, acknowledging any role the church may have played in failing to properly protect the victim, providing needed counseling, and changing policies and practices to prevent similar abuse in the future.
Go Tentatively and Repeatedly
It is wise to remember that many differences and offenses are the result of misunderstandings rather than actual wrongs. Therefore, when you approach another person, do so in a tentative manner. Unless you have clear, firsthand knowledge that a wrong has been done, give the other person the benefit of the doubt and be open to the possibility that you have not assessed the situation correctly. A cautious, fair-minded manner will usually promote a more relaxed atmosphere and encourage honest dialogue rather than defensive rebuttals.
Be prepared for the fact that your first meeting may not be successful. Since the other person may doubt your sincerity or may not be accustomed to dealing with differences in such a direct and honest way, your initial attempt at reconciliation may do nothing more than plant seeds that you will need to cultivate in following days. The Greek verb used for “go” in Matthew 18:15 implies a continual action. If you don’t succeed at first, try to discern what went wrong (perhaps by reviewing portions of this book), seek appropriate counsel, and correct your mistakes. Give the other person time to think (and give God time to work), and then go again. You should continue seeking to resolve the matter privately until it becomes apparent that further personal conversations are truly pointless or are likely to do harm. At that point you should consider whether it would be wiser to overlook the matter entirely. If doing so is inappropriate, you will need to seek help from others, which will be discussed in chapter 9.
After the Log Is Out of Your Eye
As Jesus teaches in Matthew 7:3–5, you should not try to talk to others about their wrongs until you have dealt with your contribution to a problem. When you follow Jesus’ teaching, your confession will sometimes encourage the other person to admit sins. But not everyone will respond so cooperatively. In some cases the other person will acknowledge little or no responsibility for the problem, which will put you in an awkward position. If you proceed to bring up that person’s wrongs, he may become defensive and believe that your earlier confession was a sham. On the other hand, if you just walk away without discussing the other person’s wrongs, he may not come to grips with the need for change. So what do you do? Generally speaking, there are four possible courses to follow:
1.You may simply overlook the offense. Confess your contribution to the problem, let go of what the other person did, and get on with your life. This route will be appropriate if the other person’s sin is relatively minor and has not permanently affected your relationship. It will also be appropriate if your fault in the matter far outweighs the other person’s, in which case you should devote your attention to the changes you need to make instead of saying anything about the other’s faults.
2.You may build on the other’s superficial confession. Your confession may encourage the other person to make some form of admission, even if it is incomplete or halfhearted. (For example: “I guess I sort of lost my temper too.” “Well, it wasn’t all your fault.” “I can see why you were frustrated.”) Sometimes it is appropriate to pick up on another’s words and reflect them back in more detail. Below are some examples of what you might say.
“I appreciate your admitting that you lost your temper, Bob. May I explain how that made me feel?”
“I appreciate your saying that. What do you think you did wrong?”
“Why do you think I was frustrated?”
3.You may need to talk about the other person’s sin now. This will be appropriate when the conflict is so serious or the other person’s attitude and behavior is so harmful that the situation must be dealt with immediately or further problems are likely to occur. If you do proceed to address the other person’s behaviors, plan your words carefully in advance to reduce the likelihood that he or she will question your motives. For example:
“Bill, I appreciate your forgiveness, and I will really work at controlling what I say in the future. In fact, I’d appreciate it if you would let me know if you ever hear me talking like that again. In the same way, I believe there are some things you could do differently in the future that might help to avoid similar problems. May I explain what I mean?”
“Linda, there’s no question that my careless words contributed to this problem, and I really am sorry for aggravating you. At the same time, I’m not sure you realize how you contributed to this problem. As much as I would like to drop the matter, I’m afraid we’ll have similar problems again unless we get all of our concerns on the table. May I explain how I see your conduct in this matter?”
4.You may postpone confrontation until another time. This will be appropriate if the matter is not urgent and if immediate confrontation is not likely to be productive. If you genuinely repent of your wrongs and sincerely work at changing your attitude and behavior, a variety of results may take place. First, you may eventually decide that the other person’s wrongs were actually insignificant, in which case you may not need to bring them up. Second, the effort you make to change and to restore your relationship may convict the other person and eventually motivate him to come to you and admit past wrongs. Third, if the offense is repeated later, you will be in a better position to approach the offender if you have made an obvious effort to deal with your faults. Since your repentance and changed conduct will make it more difficult for the other person to shift the blame, he or she may finally start to face up to the misbehavior.
If you know you need to confess your wrongs to another person, pray and think carefully beforehand about whether or not it will be wise to talk about the other person’s wrongs during the same conversation. Although you will often not be able to make a final decision on the matter until you see how that person responds to your confession, it is wise to have a tentative plan in mind even before you meet. This will help you avoid careless words and respond constructively to what the other person says.
Summary and Application
Although it is often best simply to overlook the sins of others, there will be times when doing so only prolongs alienation and encourages them to continue acting in a hurtful manner. If you know that someone has something against you, go to that person and talk about it as soon as possible. Similarly, if someone’s sins are dishonoring God, damaging your relationship, hurting others, or hurting that person, one of the most loving and helpful things you can do is go and help him or her see the need for change. With God’s grace and the right words (including your own confession), such a conversation will often lead to restored peace and stronger relationships.
If you are presently involved in a conflict, these questions will help you apply the principles presented in this chapter.
- Do you have any reason to believe that someone else has something against you? If so, why?
- How has the other person sinned in this situation?
- Would it be better to overlook the offense against you or to go and talk with the other person about it? What would be the probable benefits and drawbacks of each course of action?
- Is the other person’s sin too serious to overlook? More specifically:
Is it dishonoring God? If so, how?
Is it damaging your relationship? If so, how?
Is it hurting others? If so, how?
Is it hurting that person? If so, how?
Is it making that person less useful to the Lord?
- Which of the other person’s sins need to be discussed?
- Would it be better to go in person or to involve others right away? Why?
- Would it be best to raise the issue directly, or might this person respond better to an indirect approach? How could you use a story, an analogy, or a point of common interest to open your discussion?
- Do you need to confess any of your sins before you talk about what the other person has done wrong? If so, what will you do if the other person does not confess his or her sins?
- Go on record with the Lord by writing a prayer based on the principles taught in this chapter.
8
Speak the Truth In Love
Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
Words play a key role in almost every conflict. When used properly, words promote understanding and encourage agreement. When misused, they usually aggravate conflicts and drive people further apart. If your words seem to do more harm than good when you try to resolve a disagreement, don’t give up. With God’s help you can improve your ability to communicate constructively. In this chapter we will look at some foundational communication principles and skills and explore practical ways to use them in the midst of conflict.
Bring Hope through the Gospel
When someone has disappointed or offended me, my natural tendency is to come at them with “the law,” lecturing them about what they have done wrong and what they should now do to make things right. This approach generally makes people defensive and reluctant to admit their wrongs, which makes a conflict worse.
The Lord is graciously working to teach me a better way to approach others about their failures. Instead of coming at them with the law, I am learning to bring them the gospel. In other words, rather than dwelling on what people should do or have failed to do, I am learning to focus primarily on what God has done and is doing for them through Christ. This approach is demonstrated and commended throughout Scripture.
Consider again Jesus’ conversation with the Samaritan woman. Instead of hammering away at her sinful lifestyle, Jesus spent most of his time engaging her in a conversation about salvation, eternal life, true worship, and the coming of the Messiah (John 4:7–26). She responded eagerly to this gospel-focused approach, let down her defenses, and put her trust in Christ. Although Jesus changed this focus when rebuking hard-hearted Pharisees, his typical approach to bringing people to repentance was to bring them the good news of God’s forgiveness (see, e.g., Luke 19:1–10; John 8:10–11).
The apostle Paul had a similar approach, even when he had to deal with serious sin. In his first letter to the Corinthians, he had to address divisions, immorality, lawsuits, food sacrificed to idols, and the misuse of the Lord’s Supper and spiritual gifts. But before addressing these terrible sins, Paul’s gracious greeting held out hope for forgiveness and change by reminding the Corinthians of what God had already done for them through Christ:
To the church of God in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ Jesus and called to be holy.… I always thank God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus. For in him you have been enriched in every way—in all your speaking and in all your knowledge—because our testimony about Christ was confirmed in you. Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.
What a marvelous way to set the stage for repentance and change! Paul did the same thing in his letters to other churches and individuals. He always kept Jesus in the center of his instruction and correction. For example, when writing the Ephesians, Paul devoted the first half of his letter to a detailed description of God’s redemptive plan. When he finally got around to addressing errors in the congregation, his readers were already standing on a foundation of hope and encouragement.
Paul did the same thing with the Philippians and Colossians, who also needed correction and instruction. He begins both letters by drawing attention to what God has done in each of these churches (Phil. 1:3–11; Col. 1:3–23). Then he continues to refer to the gospel as he moves from issue to issue. For example, in the midst of admonishing the Colossians, Paul injects this marvelous clause: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Col. 3:12; emphasis added). Before telling them something more that they should do, Paul reminds them of who they are in Christ.
As these passages show, when we need to talk with others about their faults, we should ask for God’s help to resist our tendency to hammer people into submission by dwelling on their failures. Of course, we sometimes need to show them where they have sinned and fallen short of God’s ways. But that should not be the primary focus of our words, because judgment inevitably discourages. With God’s help we can instead offer hope by drawing attention to the wonderful news that God has forgiven our sins through Christ and is eager to help us change our ways.
When talking with someone about gossip you might say:
“I don’t think you deliberately set out to hurt Bill, but your words may have damaged his reputation. The good news is that Jesus died to deliver you, me, and Bill—all of us—from our sins. God has given us a warning and a wonderful promise: If we conceal our wrongs, he will continue to discipline us until we repent, but if we confess our sins, he will forgive us and restore our relationships. There is such hope because of what Jesus has done for us! If you ask for his help and deal with this the way he teaches, the whole incident can be completely wiped away.”
Whether I’m doing peacemaking at home, in my church, or in a formal conciliation case, I’ve seen this approach open the door for repentance and peace. The more hope you give by focusing on what God has done and is doing for us, the more likely others will be to listen to your concerns, acknowledge their wrongs, and move toward reconciliation.
The year before I began making the latest changes to this book, I realized that I could not consistently weave the gospel into my conversations with others until the gospel was woven deeply into my own heart. God showed me that I am a natural “law speaker;” I bring judgment much more easily than I bring grace. When I saw this, I began praying for God to give me a major heart change, to make the gospel central to everything I think, say, and do. Perhaps you see the same inclination and need for change in yourself. If so, pray that God will open your eyes more fully to the glory of what Christ has done for you. Learn to delight in reading about, meditating on, and rejoicing in Jesus’ completed work on the cross. When your soul, your thoughts, and your conversation are saturated with the gospel, it will overflow into other areas of your life, bringing hope and encouragement to others, even if you are talking to them about their need for repentance and change.
Be Quick to Listen
Another element of effective communication is to listen carefully to what others are saying. Knowing this is not our nature, James gave this warning to the early church: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
Good listening is particularly important for a peacemaker. It improves your ability to understand others, it shows that you realize you do not have all the answers, and it tells the other person that you value his or her thoughts and opinions. Even if you cannot agree with everything others say or do, your willingness to listen demonstrates respect and shows that you are trying to understand their perspective. This can help create an atmosphere of mutual respect that will improve communication. With God’s help you can develop several listening skills.
Waiting
Waiting patiently while others talk is a key listening skill. Without this skill, you will often fail to understand the root cause of a conflict, and you may complicate matters with inappropriate reactions. As Proverbs 18:13 teaches, “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame” (see also Prov. 15:28). There are several basic ways to improve your waiting ability. Try not to jump to premature conclusions about what others are thinking; give them time and hear them out. Discipline yourself not to interrupt others while they are speaking. Learn to be comfortable with silence and do not respond the moment there is a pause. And do not offer immediate solutions to every problem others bring to you. Sometimes they already know what they should do, but they need to have someone allow them to talk it through.
Attending
The human mind can think at least four times faster than a person can talk. Therefore, when you are listening to someone, your mind may be searching for something more to do. If you allow your mind to wander, or if you start rehearsing your responses, you may miss much of what others are saying. Moreover, others can usually tell when you are distracted, which discourages them in their efforts to communicate.
There are several ways you can show that you are paying attention to what others are saying. Maintain regular eye contact. Avoid negative body language, such as folding your arms, tapping your foot, or looking around. Eliminate distractions as much as possible—turn off the television, close a door to reduce noise, and sit where you will not be tempted to glance away frequently. Leaning forward slightly usually shows interest, as do warm and responsive facial expressions. Nod your head occasionally to show that you understand what the other person is saying or feeling. Occasional responses like “hmmm,” “uh-huh,” “I see,” and “oh” tell others that their words are getting through to you. This will encourage them to continue talking, which will allow you to get as much information as possible before you respond.
Clarifying
Clarifying is the process of making sure you understand what the other person is saying. It usually involves questions and statements like these:
“Are you saying …?”
“Tell me more about …”
“Can you give me an example?”
“I’m confused about …”
“Let me see if I understand …”
Words like these show that you are hearing and thinking about what is being said. Because these responses also show your interest in getting further information, they encourage the other person to share emotions and perceptions more fully. If he or she responds to that invitation, you can often get beyond the surface issues and discern more clearly underlying concerns, motives, and feelings.
Reflecting
Reflecting or “paraphrasing” is the process of summarizing the other person’s main points in your own words and sending them back in a constructive way. Reflecting may deal with both the content of what the other person has said and the associated feelings. For example:
“You believe I didn’t take time to hear you out.”
“From your perspective, I was wrong when I said that about you.”
“The way you see it, then, is that there isn’t much hope …”
“This situation has created a lot of problems for you and your family.”
“You seem to believe I was being dishonest about …” “You must really care about this project.”
“I get the impression I’ve really disappointed you.”
“You were really hurt by my comment about you in front of the class.”
“It sounds like you are upset because I gave John the job instead of you.”
Reflecting does not require that you agree with what the other person says; it simply reveals whether you comprehend another person’s thoughts and feelings. Reflecting shows that you are paying attention and you are trying to understand the other person. When others sense this, they are less likely to repeat themselves or use a loud voice to get their point across. Reflecting also helps to clarify what the other person is saying and allows you to focus the discussion on a specific topic rather than having to deal with several concerns simultaneously. In addition, it can slow down the pace of a conversation, which is especially beneficial when emotions are high and words may be spoken in haste. Finally, reflecting what others are saying can make them more willing to listen to what you want to say.
Agreeing
Agreeing with what another person says is an especially powerful listening response. This doesn’t mean you abandon your beliefs, but rather that you acknowledge what you know is true before addressing points of disagreement. Agreeing with the person who is speaking will often encourage him or her to talk more openly and avoid unnecessary repetition.
Agreeing is especially important when you have been in the wrong. For example, responses like these can make the difference between an argument and a meaningful dialogue:
“You’re right. I was wrong when I said …”
“You know, a lot of what you just said is true. I do need to deal with my attitude.”
“I can understand why you would be upset with my being late again.”
Agreeing with others, especially when they are pointing out your faults, is not easy, but it can play a crucial role in peacemaking. When you are talking with another person, first listen for the truth, resisting the temptation to defend yourself, blame others, or focus on points of disagreement. Ask yourself, “Is there any truth in what he or she is saying?” If your answer is “yes,” acknowledge what is true and identify your common ground before moving to your differences. Doing so is a sign of wisdom and spiritual maturity. “Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it” (Ps. 141:5). “He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise” (Prov. 15:31; cf. 15:5; 17:10; 25:12). By agreeing with the other person whenever possible, you can resolve certain issues easily and then focus profitably on matters that deserve further discussion.
One reason we are sometimes reluctant to admit being wrong on one issue is that we fear it will seem like we are accepting responsibility for the entire problem. The best way to overcome this hurdle is to agree with others in specific terms. For example:
“Now that I’ve heard you, I can see that part of this problem really is my fault. I was wrong not to fulfill my part of the agreement, and then I made things even worse when I complained about you to others. What else do you believe I did wrong?”
“I agree that I was wrong not to follow through on my commitment, and I need to be more faithful in the future. I believe there is more to this problem than just that, but before we talk about what you’ve done, I want to hear you out. Would you please be more specific about how my actions hurt you?”
These kinds of responses require genuine humility and also call for keeping a tight rein on your emotions. But they are worth the effort, for a controlled response will usually do more for peace than will an emotional reaction. The more quickly you agree with what is true and accept responsibility for your own actions, the more open the other person may be if you later say, “Okay, we’ve agreed on some things I did wrong. How do you think you contributed to this problem?” If you were humble enough to acknowledge where you were wrong, others are much more likely to do the same.
The Tongue of the Wise Brings Healing
A third element of effective communication is the ability to speak to others in a clear, constructive, and persuasive manner. Proverbs 12:18 is particularly relevant to this task: “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” There are several habits and skills that will help you to communicate with others with wisdom.
Breathe Grace
As we have seen throughout this book, peacemakers are people who breathe grace to others in the midst of conflict. Since we cannot breathe out what we have not breathed in, this process hinges on our moment-to-moment relationship with God. We must continually “breathe in” God’s grace by studying and meditating on his Word, praying to him, thanking him for his mercy and rejoicing in our salvation, worshiping him, partaking of the Lord’s Supper, and enjoying the fellowship of other believers. As we are filled with his grace, we can then breathe it out to others by confessing our wrongs, bringing them hope through the gospel, lovingly showing others their faults, forgiving them as God has forgiven us, and manifesting in our words and actions the fruit of the Holy Spirit: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Gal. 5:22–23; see also James 3:17–18). When even one person in a conflict is faithfully breathing out this kind of grace, others will often receive God’s grace through us. As they do, they are less likely to be defensive and more inclined to listen to our concerns.
Make Charitable Judgments
When you are trying to show others where they may need to change, your attitude will usually carry more weight than your actual words. If people sense that you have jumped to conclusions about them and enjoy finding fault in them, they are likely to resist correction. If, on the other hand, they sense that you are trying to believe the best about them, they will be more inclined to listen to your concerns. Therefore, ask God to help you make charitable judgments about others. (Charitable simply means “loving.”)
Making a charitable judgment means that out of love for God you strive to believe the best about others until you have facts to prove otherwise. In other words, if you can reasonably interpret what someone has said or done in two possible ways, God calls you to embrace the positive interpretation over the negative, or at least to postpone making any judgment at all until you can acquire conclusive facts (see 1 Cor. 13:6; Matt. 7:12; 22:39; James 4:11–12).
If you fail to heed this principle, people will often sense that you have already made up your mind about them and that it is pointless to talk with you. This stifles communication. On the other hand, communication will usually improve if you give someone the benefit of the doubt, put things in the best possible light, avoid backing the person into a corner, and indicate that you really are open to hearing his or her side of the story.
Speak the Truth in Love
God commands us not only to speak the truth to each other, but to “[speak] the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15; emphasis added), even to people who have wronged or mistreated us (1 Peter 3:9; cf. Luke 6:27–28; Acts 7:59–60; Rom. 12:14; 1 Cor. 4:12–13). This process starts when you ask God to put a love into your heart that is not naturally there (1 Cor. 13:1–7). Next, ask him to give you the ability to communicate this love by speaking to others with gentleness and patience and by showing genuine concern for their well-being and interests (Phil. 2:3–4).
Of course, there are times when you must speak to others in a firm or even blunt manner, especially if they have refused to pay attention to a gentle approach and are persisting in sinful behavior. Even so, it is wise to take a gentle approach first and get firmer only as necessary (1 Thess. 5:14–15). Strong words are more likely to evoke defensiveness and antagonism, and once a conversation takes on this tone, it is difficult to move to a friendlier plane.
Talk from Beside, Not from Above
When you need to show others their faults, do not talk down to them as though you are faultless and they are inferior to you. Instead, talk with them as though you are standing side by side at the foot of the cross. Acknowledge your present, ongoing need for the Savior. Admit ways that you have wrestled with the same or other sins or weaknesses, and give hope by describing how God has forgiven you and is currently working in you to help you change. (For an example of this approach, see the story on pages 139–141. When people sense this kind of humility and common bond, they will be less inclined to react to correction with pride and defensiveness.
Help Others Examine the Desires of Their Hearts
As we saw in chapter 5, the root cause of most conflict is desires in our hearts that have become so strong that they begin to consume and control us. These desires can become little gods or idols that dominate our thoughts, goals, and actions. Since these idols are often good things we have come to want too much, we are usually blind to how wrong and destructive they are. Until they are exposed and cast down, genuine peace and reconciliation will be elusive.
It is hard enough to talk to others about their sinful words and behavior; it is far more difficult to know and talk about what is going on in their hearts. In fact, unless someone specifically admits to a desire that is patently sinful, you can never know for sure what is going on in their hearts. So how can you help others recognize and repent of sinful desires that are fomenting conflict? The best starting point is to humbly describe the idols you have found in your own heart and confess how they have caused you to sin in this conflict or other similar situations. Refer specifically to passages like James 4:1–3 and Matthew 15:19, and explain how God is helping you recognize and fight against idolatrous desires in your own heart.
If the other person seems generally receptive to this concept, graciously suggest that perhaps he too is being influenced by good desires that have taken too strong of a grip on his heart. Recommend that he ask himself the X-ray questions provided in chapter 5. If he seems to trust your intentions, you could refer to specific behavior on his part that seems to reveal an underlying desire that has grown too strong. Although you cannot conclusively tell people what is going on in their own hearts, you can raise the issue and encourage them by example and by gracious teaching to examine their own hearts and break free from the idols that often fuel conflict.
Choose the Right Time and Place
Timing is an essential ingredient of effective communication. If possible, do not discuss sensitive matters with someone who is tired, worried about other things, or in a bad mood. Nor should you approach someone about an important concern unless you will have enough time to discuss the matter thoroughly.
Likewise, give careful thought to where you will talk. Unless it is necessary, do not talk about sensitive matters in front of others. Try to find a place that is free of such distractions as television, other people, and loud noises. If the person with whom you need to talk is likely to be nervous or suspicious, it may be wise to select a place where he or she will feel relatively secure, perhaps at home.
Talk in Person Whenever Possible
As we discussed in chapter 7, communication is most effective when it is done as personally as possible. Therefore, face-to-face conversation is usually better than talking by telephone, because both people can see facial expressions and communicate with body language as well as with words. In contrast to a letter, oral communication allows you to see how the other person is taking your words, to clarify places where there may be some misunderstanding, and to get feedback before moving to other issues. These advantages can prevent you from making incorrect assumptions that would motivate you to write unnecessarily offensive things.
On the other hand, there are times when other forms of communication are helpful. For example, people in our society are not accustomed to having someone drop by their home for an important conversation without giving advance notice. Therefore, it may be wise to telephone to arrange for a personal conversation. If delicate issues are involved, do not go into extended explanations over the phone. Instead, express your desire to meet as soon as it is convenient for the other person.
Letters can sometimes serve a useful purpose. If the other person has refused to respond positively to telephone calls or personal conversations, a brief letter may be the only way to invite further communication. If you must resort to communicating by letter, write as personally and graciously as possible. Avoid quoting numerous Bible references, or you will seem to be preaching. Also, at least during initial letters, do not try to explain or justify your conduct in writing, because it will probably be misunderstood. Use your letter to invite communication, and try to leave detailed explanations for a personal conversation. If time allows, set aside the first draft of a letter for a day or two. When you reread it, you may catch words that will do more harm than good. It may also be wise to ask a close friend to read the letter as well, because an objective reader may be able to identify needed changes. (If the letter contains personal or confidential information about someone else, however, you may need to delete that information before allowing anyone else to see your letter.)
The advantage of a letter is that it can be read and reread. Even if the other person doesn’t like your words at first, they may seem more reasonable as the letter is read again later. The disadvantage of a letter is that it cannot change in response to the other person’s reaction. Therefore, although letters are often useful, personal conversations are usually superior when it comes to reconciling people and resolving problems.
Engage Rather than Declare
One of the fastest ways to make people defensive is to abruptly announce what they have done wrong. If you launch into a direct and detailed description of their faults, they are likely to close their ears and launch a counterattack. Therefore, it is wise to think carefully about how to open a conversation in a way that shows genuine concern for the other person and engages him in listening to your words without being defensive.
If you are talking to a friend who trusts you and is not likely to react strongly to the issue you want to raise, you may be able to speak fairly candidly. You could affirm your respect and friendship and then describe your concern in direct terms.
If strong trust has not been built between you, however, or if the issue is likely to trigger defensiveness, you would be wise to broach your concern in an indirect way that engages the other person’s heart and mind without putting him instantly on guard. One of the best ways to do this is to use a story that touches the other person’s heart. Jesus was a master of this approach, using a wide variety of parables to engage people’s hearts (Luke 10:25–37; 15:11–32). Nathan used this approach when he needed to show King David his sin (2 Sam. 12:1–13), as did Joab when he wanted to convince David to pardon Absalom (2 Sam. 14:1–22).
A similar technique is to use an analogy or metaphor that uses a familiar concept in the other person’s life as an illustration of the way they themselves are behaving (Matt. 13:24–33, 44–52; Matt. 18:5, 23; 20:1). This could involve references to any topic that is important to the other person, which could include family, church, business, sports, or history. For example, when I need to talk to my son about failing to do his chores, I will often use a military metaphor. He admires soldiers, so when I appeal to his ideals of military discipline and respect, he listens more carefully. When I need to talk to my daughter about a relational issue, I will refer to a character she admires from one of the many books she reads. She aspires to noble character and close relationships, so she pays close attention when I compare her to one of her heroines. Similarly, if I need to talk with a pastor about a failure in his ministry, I will often use a shepherd metaphor, much as Nathan did when he approached David.
Whatever approach you use, your goal should be to describe your concern in a way that captures others’ attention, appeals to their values, and gives hope that the issue can be resolved constructively. The more you engage another’s heart and the less you declare his or her wrongs, the more likely he or she is to listen to you.
Communicate So Clearly That You Cannot Be Misunderstood
Many conflicts are caused or aggravated by misunderstandings. People may say things that are actually true or appropriate, but because they did not choose their words carefully, they leave room for others to misconstrue what they mean and take offense. One way to reduce misunderstandings is to remember a rule I was taught as an engineer: It is not good enough to communicate so that you can be understood. You should communicate so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood. (This principle is especially important for people who are in positions of leadership. Their words affect many people, and when they communicate in a way that leaves the door open for varying interpretations, they are setting the stage for misunderstanding and conflict.) Therefore, whenever you need to communicate important information, think carefully about your words and look for ways that they might be vague, imprecise, or potentially misleading. As you tighten up what you say, you can prevent many of the misunderstandings that fuel conflict.
Plan Your Words
I cannot overemphasize the importance of planning your words when you need to talk with others about their faults. In delicate situations, careful planning can make the difference between restored peace and increased hostility. The discipline of planning is highly commended in Scripture: “Those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness” (Prov. 14:22b). When you are dealing with important issues or sensitive people, you should think in advance about what you will say. In many cases, it will be wise to actually write out several things, such as:
The issues that you believe need to be addressed. (Define the problem as narrowly as possible so you can focus on the central issues and not get distracted by minor details.)
Words and topics that do not need to be included in your discussion and should be avoided because they are likely to offend the other person.
Analogies or metaphors that the other person will understand and value.
Words that describe your feelings (e.g., concerned, frustrated, confused, disappointed).
A description of the effect the problem is having on you and others.
Your suggestions and preferences for a solution to the problem. The benefits that will be produced by cooperating to find a solution.
As you plan what to say, make every effort to use words that are gracious, clear, and constructive. It is helpful to write down some of the words you will use when discussing issues that are especially sensitive or likely to arouse strong differences of opinion. Although you cannot write a script for your entire conversation, planning some of your opening comments can help a conversation begin positively. Here are two examples of how to begin a conversation:
Telephone call: “Jim, this is Dave. I’m really sorry for what I said last Friday, and I know I was wrong to cut you off. If you have some time in the next day or two, I’d like to stop by so I can apologize in person and see how you would like to finish this project. Would that be all right with you?”
Face-to-face: “Thank you for taking time to talk with me. Lately I’ve had the feeling that you are disappointed with my work. If I have done something wrong or if there are specific ways I could improve my work, I would really like to hear about them. Could we sit down together and talk sometime soon?”
These kinds of opening statements clearly indicate that you do not want to continue an argument, but rather are seeking positive dialogue. Remember that asking for a meeting is less threatening than telling someone there will be a meeting. This approach will normally encourage the other person to at least give you an opportunity to talk.
In addition to planning your opening remarks, it is often wise to think of two or three ways the other person may respond to your words and then plan how you will handle each scenario. Even if the other person says something you didn’t anticipate, your preparation will generally make it easier to respond. For example, you may anticipate that the person to whom you are going to talk could lose his or her temper. Here is a possible response:
“Ted, I can understand how frustrating it must be to have so much financial pressure. I can also see why you are upset about having to make a repair on the car so soon after I sold it to you. I’m trying to figure out what I should do about it, and it would help if I knew a little more about what went wrong with the engine. However, I think we could understand each other better if we talked in person, so could I stop by some evening this week?”
In responding to an angry reaction, remember that “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1). Respond to anger with a gentle voice, relaxed posture, and calm gestures. Communicate in every way that you take the other’s expression of anger seriously and want to help resolve the problems that prompt it. Plan ahead how to respond to possible objections and deal with them specifically and reasonably.
If you believe that the other person may refuse to meet with you, you may plan this kind of response:
“Ted, I need to tell you that according to our contract I do have the legal right to take the car back, keep your deposit, and let you worry about paying the repair bill. I’d rather not do that. I would still like to work this out in a way that is satisfactory to both of us. Would you at least be willing to think about what I’m suggesting, and I’ll call you back in a couple of days?”
Again, don’t depend on the other person to follow your script. You will need to be flexible in responding to new developments. Generally speaking, however, if you are prepared when you begin a conversation, you will feel more confident and will be able to deal with developments more constructively. In fact, if you are concerned about your ability to make yourself understood, ask a close friend to role-play with you so you can practice what you plan to say. This may be awkward at first, but it often pays great dividends, especially for people who have difficulty thinking clearly in tense situations.
Use “I” Statements
One of the most helpful skills Corlette has taught me is how to use “I” statements. The statements give information about yourself rather than attack the other person—as is the case when you make statements like “You are so insensitive” or “You are just irresponsible.” A typical formula for an “I” statement is “I feel when you , because. As a result .”
The following examples fill in the blanks:
“I feel hurt when you make fun of me in front of other people, because it makes me feel stupid and foolish. As a result, I am getting reluctant to go places with you when others may be around.”
“I feel frustrated when you fail to keep your commitments, because you play a key role in this department. As a result, I’m finding it difficult to depend on you or work with you.”
“I feel confused when you say that I never listen, because two days ago I sat here for over an hour while you shared several deep concerns with me. I really don’t know what to do differently.”
“I” statements can accomplish three things. First, they tell the other person how his or her conduct is affecting you. By bringing yourself into the picture, you can reduce defensiveness and encourage concern in the person you are addressing. Second, this kind of statement identifies what the other person has done that you are concerned about. By defining the problem specifically and not bringing in unrelated issues, you further reduce the chance of threatening the other person. Third, an “I” statement can explain why this issue is important to you and why you would like to discuss it. The more the other person understands your concerns and the effect the behavior is having on you (and possibly others), the more motivated and willing he or she may be to discuss and deal with the problem.
Be Objective
When you are trying to show someone his fault, keep your remarks as objective as possible. While an expression of personal perceptions and feelings may help someone understand your feelings, if you emphasize subjective opinions and judgments too much, you are likely to convey condescension or condemnation. Therefore, use objective facts whenever you can.
Along the same line, make an effort not to exaggerate. Phrases like “you always,” “you never,” and “every time” reduce the likelihood that others will take the rest of what you say seriously. Here are some illustrations of these principles:
Say, “You were late for work five times in the last two weeks,” rather than, “You are always late for work.”
Say, “John’s grades have dropped in three classes,” rather than, “Don’t you see that your son’s performance in school is a mess?”
Say, “The fact is, I have gotten to the point that I prefer not to work on committees with you,” rather than, “Nobody likes to work with you.”
Use the Bible Carefully
It is often helpful to refer to the Bible as a source of objective truth when you have a disagreement with another Christian. If this is not done with great care, however, it will alienate people rather than persuade them. Here are a few basic principles to keep in mind when you use the Scriptures as part of a discussion:
Keep Ephesians 4:29 in mind. Don’t quote the Bible to tear others down, but only to build them up in the Lord.
Make sure you are using a passage for its intended purpose. Don’t pull a verse out of context and try to make it say something other than its clear meaning.
If possible, encourage others to read the passage from their own Bibles; then ask, “What do you think that means?” This often achieves better results than imposing your interpretation on them.
Know when to stop. If the other person appears to be getting irritated by your references to Scripture, it may be wise to back off and give him or her time to think about it. (Backing off would not be appropriate if formal church discipline is under way and the person is clearly trying to avoid clear biblical warnings and admonishments.)
Ask for Feedback
When talking to another person, one of your primary goals should be to match impact with intent. In other words, you want to make sure that what you meant to say has actually gotten across to the other person completely and accurately. If the other person responds by clarifying, reflecting, or agreeing with what you say, you will have a fairly good idea whether or not he or she is getting your message.
In many cases, however, it will be difficult to tell what impact your words are having on the other person. Therefore, you will sometimes need to ask the other person to give you some feedback. Here are some ways you can do so:
“I’m not sure I’ve said this clearly. Would you mind telling me what you think I’ve said?”
“Have I confused you?”
“Have I explained myself clearly enough?”
“What are you thinking about the meeting?”
“What have I said that you would agree with? What would you disagree with?”
Asking questions will promote dialogue and give you an opportunity to measure how well you are communicating as well as how the other person is responding to you. As you take that information into account, you can clarify as needed and adjust what you say to suit developments. As a result, your subsequent words will normally be more relevant and productive.
Offer Solutions and Preferences
When you speak to others about issues in their lives, be prepared to offer solutions to the specific problems you have identified. If you can show a person a reasonable way out of a predicament, he or she may be more inclined to listen to you. Hope is a key ingredient in promoting repentance and change.
At the same time, try not to give the impression that you have all the answers. Make it clear that your suggestions are just a starting point and offer to discuss any ideas the other person has. It may be helpful to tell him or her about your preferences and encourage an exchange of preferences. Here are some examples:
“I would prefer to renegotiate the contract rather than abandon it, but I’m open to suggestions. What would you prefer?”
“My first choice would be to get the whole family together to discuss Dad’s will in person. What do you think?”
Again, the more you can promote dialogue and reasonable thinking, the less likely people will be to remain entrenched in one position. If you give them creative ways to deal with a situation and set an example of openly weighing various options, the discussion can result in real progress.
Recognize Your Limits
Finally, whenever you are trying to show someone his fault, remember that there are limits to what you can accomplish. You can raise concerns, suggest solutions, and encourage reasonable thinking, but you cannot force change. God may use you as a spokesperson to bring certain issues to the attention of another person, but only God can actually penetrate the other person’s heart and bring about repentance. Paul clearly describes this division of labor in 2 Timothy 2:24–26: “And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will” (emphasis added).
As we have seen throughout this book, God calls us to be concerned with faithfulness, not with results. If you prayerfully prepare, speak the truth in love, and do all you can to effectively communicate your concerns to the other person, you will have succeeded in God’s eyes regardless of how others respond (see Acts 20:26–27). God will take it from there—in his time your words will produce exactly the results he wants.
Summary and Application
Ron Kraybill, a respected Christian mediator, has noted that “effective confrontation is like a graceful dance from supportiveness to assertiveness and back again.” This dance may feel awkward at first for those who are just learning it, but perseverance pays off. With God’s help you can learn to speak the truth in love by saying only what will build others up, by listening responsibly to what others say, and by using principles of wisdom. As you practice these skills and make them a normal part of your everyday conversations, you will be well prepared to use them when conflict breaks out. In developing the skills of loving confrontation, you can see for yourself that “the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
If you are presently involved in a conflict, these questions will help you apply the principles presented in this chapter.
- When you talk to or about your opponent, what might you be tempted to say that would be harmful or worthless?
- How can you offer hope to the other person by focusing on what God has done and is doing?
- Which listening skills do you have a hard time with: waiting, attending, clarifying, reflecting, or agreeing? Write down some things you will do or say to overcome these weaknesses.
- Are you trying to believe the best about the other person (i.e., making charitable judgments)? How could you demonstrate that you are doing this?
- What can you say that would clearly communicate your love and concern for your opponent?
- What is the best time and place to talk with your opponent?
- Would it be wiser to communicate in person, on the phone, or by means of a letter? Why?
- Write a brief summary of what you need to say and avoid saying, including
The issues you believe should be addressed
Words and topics to avoid
Stories or comparisons that the other person will understand and value
Words that describe your feelings
A description of the effect the dispute is having on you and others
Your suggestions and preferences for a solution
The benefits that will be produced by cooperating to find a solution
- How could you improve what you intend to communicate so that you cannot be misunderstood?
- Plan your opening statement. What are three ways that your opponent may react to this statement? How could you respond constructively to each of these reactions?
- Write some of the “I” statements you could use.
- How can you show that you are trying to be objective?
- How can you refer to Scripture in a helpful manner?
- How will you ask for feedback?
- Go on record with the Lord by writing a prayer based on the principles taught in this chapter.
9
Take One or Two Others Along
But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that “every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.”
As we have seen in the preceding chapters, the Bible encourages Christians to make every effort to resolve their differences as personally as possible. If we draw on God’s grace and follow the principles he has given to us in Scripture, we can resolve most conflicts on our own. But sometimes we need help. As we saw in chapter 7, there are situations where it is best to have someone else act as an intermediary before we even try to talk with another person. In other cases, if we are not able to resolve our differences in private, we may need to ask one or more respected friends, church leaders, or other godly and unbiased individuals to help us be reconciled. Jesus himself sets forth the framework for seeking help from others to resolve a conflict:
If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that “every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.
In this passage, Jesus teaches us how to minister to a fellow Christian who is caught in sin. Since prolonged conflict usually involves sin (James 4:1), this passage is directly applicable to peacemaking. (The apostle Paul probably had this teaching in mind when he instructed Christians to resolve their legal disputes with the help of fellow Christians rather than in secular courts; see 1 Cor. 6:1–8.) In this chapter we will walk through this process step-by-step and see how you can apply it as you seek to restore someone to a right relationship with God and other people.
The Matthew 18 Process
A general principle taught in Matthew 18 is that we should try to keep the circle of people involved in a conflict as small as possible for as long as possible. If we can resolve a dispute personally and privately, we should do so. But if we cannot settle matters on our own, we should seek help from other people, expanding the circle only as much as necessary to bring about repentance and reconciliation. This is one of the great blessings of belonging to the church: Whenever you cannot handle a problem or conflict on your own, you can turn to the body of Christ for guidance and assistance. This process of involving others may involve five steps.
Step One: Overlook Minor Offenses
Before you consider involving others in a conflict, it is wise to review the steps that you can take to resolve a dispute in private. To begin with, evaluate how you can use the situation as an opportunity to glorify God, serve others, and grow to be like Christ (see chapters 1–3). Then seriously consider resolving the dispute unilaterally by overlooking minor offenses and giving up certain personal rights (see chapter 4).
Step Two: Talk in Private
If you have wronged someone else, God calls you to go to the other person to seek forgiveness (see chapters 5 and 6). If another person has committed a wrong that is too serious to overlook, it is your responsibility to go the other person and show him his fault, making every effort to resolve personal issues and promote genuine reconciliation (see chapters 7 and 8). Or, if you are dealing with material issues that are too important to walk away from, you can try to reach an agreement through negotiation (see chapter 11). Throughout this effort, it is appropriate to seek counsel and encouragement from godly advisors who can help you see your own faults more clearly and respond to the other person wisely. If repeated efforts to resolve the matter in these private ways fail, and if the matter is too serious to overlook, you may proceed to the next step in the Matthew 18 process.
Step Three: Take One or Two Others Along
If a dispute cannot be resolved in private, Jesus tells us to ask other people to get involved. “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’ ” (Matt. 18:16). Paul gives the same instruction in Philippians 4:2–3. In some cases, the others may serve as intermediaries, shuttling between both sides to promote understanding (see chapter 7). In most cases, however, they will act initially as mediators, meeting with both parties simultaneously to improve communication and offer biblical counsel. If necessary, they may eventually serve as arbitrators and provide a binding decision about how to resolve the matter (see 1 Cor. 6:1–8). There are two ways that outside people can become involved in a dispute.
By mutual agreement. If you and your opponent cannot resolve a dispute in private, you can suggest that the two of you ask one or more unbiased individuals to meet with you in an effort to facilitate more productive dialogue. These individuals may be mutual friends, church leaders, godly and respected individuals in your community, or trained Christian mediators or arbitrators. For the purposes of this discussion, I will refer to all of these persons as “reconcilers.”
Although reconciler training can be very beneficial (see appendix E), reconcilers do not have to be professionally trained to serve in personal disputes. Rather, they should be wise and spiritually mature Christians who are worthy of your respect and trust (1 Cor. 6:5; Gal. 6:1). If your dispute involves technical issues, it is helpful if one or more of the reconcilers has experience in that area. For example, if your dispute involves alleged defects in the construction of a building, an experienced architect or builder might serve as a reconciler. Likewise, when legal issues are at stake, it is wise to include an attorney.
Some of the best reconcilers are people who are personally acquainted with you or your opponent, or better yet, who know both of you quite well. Such familiarity is not recommended in secular mediation, out of fear that it will allow partiality. But if you are dealing with spiritually mature reconcilers, this potential for bias should be more than offset by their commitment before God to do what is just and right. In fact, my experience has shown that someone who knows you well will have greater freedom to be honest and frank, and that is exactly what you need in a reconciler.
If your opponent balks at your suggestion to involve others, carefully explain why doing so would be beneficial. If the person is a Christian, you can refer to Matthew 18 and 1 Corinthians 6 as the biblical basis for your suggestion. Whether or not you are dealing with a fellow Christian, you can describe the practical benefits of involving others: saving time, money, and energy (when compared to more formal legal processes); avoiding publicity; receiving the benefit of others’ experience and creativity. (Appendix B describes some of these benefits in detail.) You may also share materials produced by Peacemaker Ministries or encourage your opponent to talk personally with an experienced reconciler. If you give sufficient information and enough time to think about it, the other person is more likely to agree to involve a reconciler.
On your initiative. While mutual agreement is always preferable, it is not actually required if your opponent professes to be a Christian. Matthew 18:16 indicates that you may seek help from reconcilers even if your opponent doesn’t want it. Before you take this step, however, it is wise and often beneficial to warn your opponent what you are about to do. For example, you might say, “Bob, I would prefer to resolve this matter just between the two of us. Since that has not happened and because this involves issues that are too important to walk away from, my only other option is to obey what the Bible commands, which means asking some people from our churches to help us out. I would prefer that we go together to get that help, but if you will not cooperate, I’ll ask for it by myself.”
I have seen many cases where a statement like that has helped “Bob” to change his mind. If he is aware of the fact that he is partly at fault in the matter, he may not want someone from his church to get involved; therefore, he may suddenly become more willing to work with you in private. On the other hand, he may at least decide to participate in selecting the reconcilers, if for no other reason than to keep you from gaining some sort of advantage.
If your Christian opponent does not agree to cooperate, you may enlist the help of reconcilers in several ways. If you can get the help of someone your opponent is likely to respect and trust, you and that reconciler may personally visit your opponent and ask to talk. If you have good reason to believe that your opponent would be seriously offended by this approach, you may ask the reconciler to talk to your opponent individually in an effort to set up a meeting with you and the reconciler later. You may contact your opponent’s church and ask for help from one of its leaders. Depending on the circumstances, a pastor or elder may either go with you or talk to your opponent privately in an effort to facilitate a joint meeting.
Regardless of how you enlist the help of reconcilers in achieving your opponent’s participation, make every effort not to give them unnecessary details about the conflict. Simply explain that you and the other person are at odds and need their help. If you go into detail with the reconcilers, the other party might naturally conclude that they have already been biased in your favor. Even worse, doing so may encourage you to slander or gossip. Only when you and the other person are both present should you give a detailed explanation of your perceptions. Writing a letter to request assistance may be wiser in some situations. In this case, send a copy to your opponent so he or she will know what you have said—and not said. Here is an example of such a letter:
Dear Pastor Smith,
I am involved in a dispute with John Jones, who I believe is a member of your church. John and I have not been able to resolve this matter in private. Because I want to follow God’s instructions in 1 Corinthians 6:1–8 and Matthew 18:15–20, I would deeply appreciate it if you or another leader in your church would be willing to meet with us and help us come to an agreement. In fairness to John, I will not go into any detail about the dispute in this letter other than to say that it involves John’s purchase of a business from me. I will wait until he and I are with you so you can hear both of our perspectives at the same time.
If you or one of the leaders in your church would be willing to help us resolve this matter, I would be able to meet with you and John any evening during the next few weeks. One of the elders from my church would be willing to meet with us as well.
I know you have many other things to do, and I regret having to burden you with this request. But in the interest of peace and unity among Christians, I don’t feel I can leave matters unresolved between John and me. I would deeply appreciate your assistance. (By the way, I have sent a copy of this letter to John so he knows what I have communicated to you.)
If initial attempts to arrange a meeting are unsuccessful, the reconcilers may make repeated attempts to talk with or write to your opponent. They should not give up until the opponent adamantly refuses to listen. If that happens, the church may have to move to a more formal process, which we will discuss later in this chapter.
What do reconcilers do?
Reconcilers can play a variety of roles in a conflict. Their primary role is to help you and your opponent make the decisions needed to restore peace. In doing so, they may apply many of the listening and communication skills described in chapter 8. At first they may simply facilitate communication by encouraging both sides to listen more carefully to each other. They may also help determine the facts by listening carefully themselves, by asking appropriate questions, and by helping you and the other person obtain additional facts.
As implied by Matthew 18:17 and 1 Corinthians 6:1–8, the reconcilers may also give advice on how to deal with the problem. They may encourage repentance and confession on either or both sides by pointing out any behavior that has been inconsistent with what is taught in the Bible. They may also facilitate biblical solutions to material issues by directing you to relevant principles and examples in Scripture. Finally, they may draw on their own knowledge and experience to propose practical solutions to specific problems.
If you and your opponent want them to, the reconcilers may also help resolve a deadlock. You may jointly ask the reconcilers to suggest an appropriate solution to the problem. (Wise reconcilers, however, make sure that every effort has been made to reach a voluntary solution before they give an advisory opinion.) In fact, even before you begin to discuss any issues with the reconcilers, you and your opponent may agree that if you are not able to reach a voluntary solution, you will abide by the reconcilers’ counsel, provided it does not require you to violate principles taught in Scripture. If you want to, you may make this agreement legally binding, which means that the reconcilers will serve as arbitrators and render a decision that is enforceable by a civil court. Although decisions imposed by others are often less satisfactory than voluntary agreements, they are normally preferable to litigation, which can drag on for months or years at great financial, emotional, and spiritual expense.
Finally, if either you or the other person refuses to resolve material issues or to be reconciled, the reconcilers may serve as “witnesses” to report to your respective churches what they have observed during reconciliation efforts (Matt. 18:16). This information may help your church or churches discern the reason for the deadlock and assist them in deciding how to resolve the matter.
Step three may be followed even when your opponent claims to be a Christian but is not acting like one. In fact, this step is specifically designed to help professed believers get their actions back in line with their words.
What if my opponent is not a Christian?
The basic principles of step three can also be applied when the other person does not profess to be a Christian. Some modifications may be needed, of course. Formal church involvement will not be possible, and you will not be able to hold the other person to the biblical standards you must follow. Furthermore, your opponent must voluntarily consent to mediation or arbitration and may need to be persuaded that the reconcilers can offer objective and helpful advice. In spite of these limitations, the process can still be beneficial and productive, especially if you keep in mind the principles discussed elsewhere in this book.
Step Four: Tell It to the Church (Church Accountability)
If your opponent professes to be a Christian and yet refuses to listen to the reconcilers’ counsel, and if the matter is too serious to overlook, Jesus commands you to “tell it to the church” (Matt. 18:17). This does not mean standing up in a worship service and broadcasting the conflict to church members and visitors alike, since unwarranted publicity is totally inconsistent with the intent of Matthew 18. Instead, you should inform the leadership of the other person’s church (and probably yours as well) of the problem and request their assistance in promoting justice and peace by holding both of you accountable to God’s Word and to your commitments.
Church leaders may consult with the reconcilers and confirm their counsel (especially if one of the reconcilers is a member of that church), or they may conduct an entirely independent investigation and give their own counsel. As with the decision of secular arbitrators, the church’s opinion is intended to be binding on its own member, whether the party likes it or not. As Matthew 18:18–20 teaches, the church speaks with the authority of Christ himself when it acts pursuant to its biblical mandate to deal with sin (cf. Matt. 16:18; Heb. 13:17). First Corinthians 6:1–8 indicates that this authority extends not only to personal issues, but also to material issues. The only time a Christian may properly disobey his church is when its instructions are clearly contrary to what the Scriptures teach (see Matt. 23:1–3; Acts 4:18–20; 5:27–32).
If the other party’s church gives advice that you will not follow, then your church must work in conjunction with the other church until a satisfactory solution is obtained. If either party adamantly refuses to listen to the advice of his respective church, other members of the church may need to be informed in a discreet and appropriate way so that they may also hold the stubborn party accountable to his responsibility to do what is right. Instead of associating with a stubborn brother (or sister) as though nothing were wrong, Christian friends should gently but firmly remind him that he has important business to take care of before he can properly worship God and take part in fellowship (2 Thess. 3:6, 14–15; 1 Cor. 5:9–11). If that does not resolve the problem, the church should proceed with step five.
Step Five: Treat Him as a Nonbeliever
As I have shown repeatedly, God calls his people to act justly, seek peace, and be reconciled with others. If a Christian refuses to do these things, he is violating God’s will. If he refuses to listen to his church’s counsel to repent of this sin, Jesus says the church should “treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matt. 18:17, emphasis added). Jesus’ use of the word as is significant. Since only God can know a person’s heart (1 Sam. 16:7; Rev. 2:23), the church has no power to decide whether a person is a believer. Instead, the church is called only to make a functional decision: If a person behaves like a nonbeliever would—by disregarding the authority of Scripture and of Christ’s church—he should be treated as if he were a nonbeliever.
In other words, the church should not pretend that things are all right with people who claim to be Christians and yet refuse to listen to God as he speaks through the Scriptures and the church. Treating unrepentant people as unbelievers is sometimes the only way to help them understand the seriousness of their sin. This may be accomplished by withdrawing various membership privileges, such as communion, church office, or teaching Sunday school, and may culminate in revoking their membership status altogether if they persist in their refusal to repent of sin.
But treating others as unbelievers also means that we look for every opportunity to evangelize them. We remind them again and again of the good news of salvation through Jesus Christ and urge them to receive his forgiveness by repenting of and turning from their sin. If they are behaving in a way that disrupts the peace of the church, it may be appropriate to exclude them from church property. Otherwise, we should welcome them to Sunday worship, as we do other nonbelievers. But instead of talking to them in superficial ways, we should graciously and repeatedly remind them of the gospel and urge them to repent of their wrongs. This treatment is designed to bring conviction to stubborn people, with the purpose of leading them to turn from their sinful ways and to be restored to fellowship with God and fellow believers. (This appears to have been the result of the discipline administered in the Corinthian church. Compare 1 Cor. 5:1–13 with 2 Cor. 2:5–11.)
Treating someone as a nonbeliever serves three important purposes. First, revoking the person’s membership in the church prevents the Lord from being dishonored if that person continues to act in blatantly sinful ways (Rom. 2:23–24). Second, other believers are protected from being led astray by a bad example or divisive behavior (Rom. 16:17; 1 Cor. 5:1–6). Third, treating someone as a nonbeliever may help the rebellious person to realize the seriousness of his or her sin, turn from it, and be restored to God. This third purpose bears repeating. The intention in treating others as nonbelievers is not to injure them or punish them, but rather to help them see the seriousness of their sin and their need for repentance. Jesus loved people caught in sin enough to warn them of their sinful condition and its consequences and to urge them to repent (e.g., Mark 2:17; John 4:1–18). The church should do no less.
Many Christians balk at this teaching. Some churches ignore or refuse to implement Matthew 18:17, even though the Bible teaches that God views accountability and discipline as an act of love and an important means to restore his wandering sheep and protect his people from being led astray by sinful examples. “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in” (Prov. 3:11–12; see also Heb. 12:1–13; 1 Cor. 5:6; Rev. 3:19). By ignoring this teaching, a church is not only disobeying Jesus’ specific commands, but also failing to face up to the seriousness of sin and its consequences (see Ezek. 34:4, 8–10). As Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes, “Nothing is so cruel as the tenderness that consigns another to his sin. Nothing can be more compassionate than the severe rebuke that calls a brother back from the path of sin.”
Consider this analogy. When a patient has cancer, it is not easy for his doctor to tell him, because it is a truth that is painful to hear and difficult to bear. Even so, any doctor who diagnoses cancer but fails to report it to a patient would be guilty of malpractice. After all, a patient can be properly treated only after the disease has been identified. Sin works in the same way; left undiagnosed and untreated, it causes increasing grief and spiritual deterioration (Prov. 10:17; 13:18; 29:1; Rom. 6:23). The church has a responsibility both to promote peace and unity and to help believers disentangle themselves from the terrible effects of sin (Gal. 6:1–2). Treating someone as an unbeliever is a serious and painful step, but it is also an act of obedience to God and a loving remedy for the person caught in sin.
This truth was powerfully illustrated when a man told his wife that he was filing for divorce and moving in with another woman. When the wife was unable to dissuade him, she went to their pastor for advice. He gave her several suggestions on how to persuade her husband to change his mind or at least to come in for counseling. Nothing she said to her husband during the next few days dissuaded him, and he began to pack his things.
In desperation, she returned to her pastor and asked him to talk with her husband. At first, the pastor declined to take an active role, saying that he “did not want to scare him away from the church.” The wife asked the pastor how he could take such a position in the light of Matthew 18:15–20, Galatians 6:1–2, and many related passages. After a long discussion, the pastor finally realized that he was neglecting his responsibilities as a shepherd.
As a result, he went to visit the husband that evening and offered to help him work out his marital problems. When the husband adamantly refused to change his course, the pastor pleaded with him to change his mind and offered all of the resources of the church to help solve the problems in his marriage. When even that did not dissuade the husband, the pastor finally explained the Matthew 18 process and said, “I can’t stop you from filing for divorce, but I must tell you that you may be removed from church membership if you deliberately violate Scripture as you are planning to do.” After he got over his initial shock, the husband said, “You mean I’ll be kicked out of the church for divorcing my wife?”
“Under these circumstances,” the pastor replied, “yes.” Hearing this, the husband lost his temper and ordered the pastor out of his home. Early the next morning, however, the pastor received a phone call from the husband, who wanted to talk with him again. They met an hour later, and by ten o’clock that morning the husband was on the telephone telling the “other woman” that he would not be moving in with her. Later that day the pastor began counseling with this couple, and together they started to work out the deep problems that had brought them to this crisis. Ten years later, they are still raising their family together and thanking God for a pastor who cared enough to get involved the way Jesus commanded.
I wish I could say that all interventions turn out this well, but obviously they don’t. Even so, I know of many marriages that are together today because churches obeyed Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 18:15–20. More importantly, even in those cases where one party proceeded on a sinful course in spite of efforts to hold him accountable, the churches at least knew that they had been faithful to the Lord. Such faithfulness can significantly increase the respect church members have for their leaders and for Scripture. At the same time, it sends a message that willful sin will not be casually overlooked, which encourages others in the church to work out their problems in a biblically faithful manner.
Is It Time to Go to Court?
When a dispute with another Christian cannot be resolved even through the intervention of your church or churches, you have only a few options left. One choice would be to drop the matter and give up any claims you have against the other person, which may be the best thing to do in some situations (see 1 Cor. 6:7–8). Another choice would be to try to persuade your opponent to accept some other form of alternative dispute resolution (see appendix B). A third choice would be to file a lawsuit. Since the Bible generally prohibits Christians from suing one another in civil court (1 Cor. 6:1–8), you should not file suit unless you have exhausted all other possible remedies and carefully weighed the cost of moving into litigation (see chapter 4). In appendix D you will find a detailed discussion on how to evaluate the advisability of litigation in various situations.
The World Needs Reconcilers!
If you think back on the last six months of your life, you can probably think of several people in your family, church, or workplace who were having difficulty resolving conflict. In most cases, they may only have needed someone to briefly explain a few of the basic peacemaking principles described in this book. In other situations, it would have been helpful to have another person sit down with both sides in the conflict to help them understand each other, admit and forgive personal offenses, and reach an agreement on material issues. In other words, they needed a reconciler to help them walk through the process described above.
Perhaps God is calling you to learn how to be a reconciler. If so, reconciler training can help you develop communication, counseling, and mediation skills that you could use to guide other people through conflict. You can use these skills on a personal level to serve friends, relatives, or coworkers who are struggling with the normal conflicts of daily life. If you are a church or ministry leader, you can teach and assist members of your church to resolve their differences biblically. And if you are a manager or professional, reconciler skills can improve your ability to lead employees or clients through conflict in a constructive manner.
If you would like to learn more about being a reconciler, I encourage you to read Guiding People through Conflict, a booklet that provides an introduction to basic reconciler skills. Appendix E describes Peacemaker Ministries’ reconciler training program, and even more information is available on our web site. As you study this information, you could also be thinking about other people in your church who seem to have a gift for peacemaking and would benefit from further training. The church and the world need more reconcilers, so please pray about whether God is calling you to improve your skills and serve him by guiding others through conflict.
Developing a Culture of Peace in Your Church
I thank God that there is a growing number of churches that are committed and prepared to assist their members in following the process described in this chapter. They have built an environment in which their people are eager and able to resolve conflict and reconcile relationships in a way that clearly reflects the love and power of Jesus Christ. This environment, which I refer to as a “culture of peace,” has the following characteristics:
Vision: The church is eager to bring glory to God by demonstrating the reconciling love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ, and therefore sees peacemaking as an essential part of the Christian life.
Training: The church knows that peacemaking does not come naturally, so it deliberately trains both its leaders and members to respond to conflict biblically in all areas of life.
Assistance: When members cannot resolve disputes privately, the church assists them through in-house trained reconcilers, even when conflicts involve financial, employment, or legal issues.
Perseverance: Just as God pursues us, the church works long and hard to restore broken relationships, especially when a marriage is at stake, and even when attorneys are involved.
Accountability: If members refuse to listen to private correction, church leaders get directly involved to hold members accountable to Scripture and to promote repentance, justice, and forgiveness.
Restoration: Wanting to imitate God’s amazing mercy and grace, the church gladly forgives and fully restores members who have genuinely repented of serious and embarrassing sins.
Stability: Because relationships are valued and protected, leaders serve fruitfully year after year and members see the church as their long-term home.
Witness: Members are equipped and encouraged to practice peacemaking so openly in their daily lives that others will notice, ask why they do it, and hear about the love of Christ.
A culture of peace helps preserve marriages and other relationships. It also reduces conflict, membership turnover, and exposure to legal liability. Best of all, it improves a church’s evangelistic witness. For more information on how to develop this kind of culture in your church, read appendix F. I hope your church will join the growing number of churches that are experiencing these benefits by equipping and assisting their people to respond to conflict biblically.
Summary and Application
By God’s grace, most conflicts between Christians can be resolved by talking personally and privately with someone who has offended you. When personal efforts do not succeed, Jesus has given us a simple yet effective process for involving other people who can promote understanding and agreement. When this involvement is carried out with prayer, wisdom, and reliance on the power of the gospel, God is pleased to use our efforts to promote just settlements and preserve relationships that would otherwise have been lost.
If you are presently involved in a conflict and have not been able to resolve it privately, these questions will help you to apply the principles presented in this chapter.
- Are the personal or material issues in this conflict too serious to overlook or walk away from? Why?
- Why do you think your efforts to resolve this dispute in private have failed? Is there anything you could still do to resolve it in private?
- If you must seek outside help to resolve this dispute, are there any persons who are likely to be trusted and respected by both you and your opponent?
- What will you say to your opponent to encourage him or her to allow other people to meet with the two of you to help resolve this dispute? In particular, how would you describe the advantages of getting outside assistance?
- If your opponent refuses to work voluntarily with others, would it be better to drop the matter or to ask the church to get involved? Why?
- If all other avenues have failed to resolve this matter and you are considering filing a lawsuit, have you satisfied the conditions set forth in appendix D?
- Go on record with the Lord by writing a prayer based on the principles taught in this chapter.
